One of the most challenging parts of going from employed life to becoming self employed was the shift from not being aware at all that any people could end up being paying clients. Everyone became food and if they weren’t food then what were they to me? Poison? Junk food? Food that I am allergic to or at the least intolerant. Or were some of them the seeds that the food grows from? Are some of the people the tree? Or the soil? I can't eat them obviously but I do need them very much.
And also everyone who could not resonate or at least accept my new found self employed profession was now an enemy. If they couldn’t understand the healing or the gifts I had and was and still am developing then it was difficult to be myself around them. And resonating does not mean always wanting me to do healing for them it was also those friends or family members knowing when to say “No can you stop swinging your pendulum please, I just want a cup of fucking tea Jen”, “Or would you switch the TV channel or pick me up some milk on your way home”.
When your income goes from being a regular set amount of money every month to being a huge chunk of money that came from one source this is also confusing. Explaining to those who rely on my income or want to know why I am stressing about finances “Well what do you do now? Whats your work? And in my mind I want to explain that there are others ways to make money other than giving your time for a set amount which was the main way I know how to make money.
Currently I am on the cusp of major financial squeeze where I will be forced to get large amounts of money from family, friends or loans. Or whether to switch tactics completely and find income another way or to share living with a beloved. Which makes me feel extremely uncomfortable, mostly because I am not sure if I am in denial of my business being a ‘failure’ or if I have to keep going and follow my heart. Or maybe this was how it was meant to be and as my teacher Remi tells me, these are the lessons and to keep on healing every day. Remi spent decades in financial challenges and had a son to support also. I wonder and I worry too.
It’s a lot and I wonder who can relate to this?