My journey to awakening was predominantly through relationship - Family dynamics, sibling bonds, toxic relationships, parent child relationship and the twin flame dance. These relationships with all their highs and lows contributed massively to my spiritual ascension.
Our profound fear of change ultimately centers around our fear of waking up,
because at the core of our being, to embrace change
means to embrace death of everything as we know it.
My path started with me being born with the dearest older brother. Me and my brother got on well, we played together and were faithful companions. We challenged each other like any loving relationship does. My parents used mostly punishment/reward/shaming parenting techniques which to their credit was all they knew and I’m sure was an improvement on their own upbringing. These methods contributed to my shutting down along with the environment, it was necessary for me to survive. I believe my parents had not bargained on parenting being so bloody hard as I also realised when I became a parent myself. And me and my brother did not fail in giving them a challenge and a half. My dear parents could generally only offer harshness and a wall of their own hurts (having both been pretty unloved themselves) with moments of connection and love also. This and other environmental factors meant that both me and my brother learnt to close down our feelings and therefore our gifts also. I say this now with a deep love for my childhood and acceptance that this was my Devine path. It was this path that supported a rapid acceleration in my spiritual growth and allowed me to have direct experience of these traumatic experiences that a lot of us have felt.
At the age of 11 my brother who was 13 became more and more introverted. He drifted away from me and from everyone mentally - he went deep within. Over the following several years he became “mentally unwell”, Schizophrenia, suicide attempts and OCD swept through my brother and remains still partly. Throughout this whole time I was disconnected, switched off to how I felt about anything that touched me. I crawled my way through my teens, trying out alcohol and clubbing lifestyles. My parents in total survival mode, stopping my brother from suicide and themselves from losing the plot. My happiness and well being was not a priority and why would it be when they had their own struggles. I wasn’t attempting suicide regularly so I wasn’t a priority, makes sense. However I was profoundly lonely and shut off from any feelings whatsoever, better to be drunk than lonely.
So, in this extreme shut down state I began the next phase of my souls path entering into a toxic relationship with a 42 year old man at the age of 16. I loved him with a burning obsession, I was drawn to his power and lack of fear. A few of my first memories were of me running down the street in my pjs after he left my house because I wasn’t ready to have sex, I realised later on that he would’ve been on his way to another woman to fill this deep need in him to find healing through a woman’s body. Regularly offering my body to stop him feeling ill whether I wanted sex or not, he used to get horrendous migraines. The connection between us being either substance infused love making, rape, violent threats or telling each other how we do not cut it in terms of the relationship. I was hell bent on fixing this man and that part of him that cried out for fixing fed into that energy in me. We continued this dance for 11 years, him being utterly despicable and me not accepting his despicableness. There were also other women involved, younger women than me that I briefly had contact with. I remember feeling somewhat of a camaraderie with them and being surprised at my compassion for them rarely feeling jealous but wanting to know their story. I was scared to find out the horrid truth that we were all locked in a toxic bind with the same man.
Throughout this torturous relationship I completed a degree in Equine Science and a Masters in Biomedical Science whilst raising my daughter and buying and running a home. I also had a job working in clinical genetics with the NHS which although not massively challenging for me it did provide a makeshift family of darling people. This place of work was where I learnt a lot of my loving relationship skills, supporting each other, acceptance and constant counsel flowing between us all. I believe this is a big part of what people search for in these jobs, a family dynamic and friendly environment - a sense of belonging. But this was at the sacrifice of my creativity. I found other avenues of creativity and used my healing skills constantly, not realising that this was my true calling. I made beautiful Christmas wreaths, painted and played music. I also volunteered in my community with the elderly and families. Desperately wanting to express some of those hidden gifts just bursting to come out but not yet being felt by me. Covered by years of pain, lifetimes of shame and an environment that I could not feel held in.
I spent 6 years studying, part time to achieve my Masters. This degree was beneficial for many reasons, these reasons being not really based around the actual qualification. Studying gave me a focus outside of the turmoil that swirled around my toxic relationship. Although I found studying a constant torture (I was adept to living with torture) and later realised that I am not at my core a natural academic, I did learn discipline, writing skills and a bit about Science. Fundamentally Science to me was collating evidence to prove a theory and until this evidence was undertaken nothing could ever be proven. A good scientist is always open to go deeper, to learn more and much of Medical Science does not answer the core of the disease either. I observed this working within the clinical field that however deep the diagnosis went it seemed to me that the source was difficult to find and the range of treatments within the general practice industry was missing something. Possibly this is the West meeting the East, or Science meeting Spirit - there is a need to blend the two in harmony, to compliment and support each other as they are both valid.
My degrees gave me a foundation, a library of previous works in the Science world but it is without doubt my life experiences that allow me to feel the love in everything and the goodness in every person.
Having my daughter in 2009 was a turning point in my life and my toxic relationship, I was forced to be a “better person” - I was forced to look after myself, for her sake of course not my own yet. As any parent would agree, a parent would do anything for their child, even the grim thought of me being kind to myself. I could no longer bend over backwards for the needs of my man, I had to stop the daily meals, chauffeuring, sleep depriving sex on demand and general dogs body work for him. I take responsibility for these actions, I chose to do this and he chose to let me - there is power in owning your downfalls and I want power not victimhood. I now hold that part of myself that desperately tried to fix him and I deeply appreciate that part of him that allowed me to play out that pattern so I could finally realise that you can never force anyone to heal, this is up to Divine timing and personal choice.
Once I finally allowed the truth of my toxic relationship to flood into my consciousness, my world was shattered to smithereens and of course the toxicity between us rapidly disintegrated with the breeze carrying it away and leaving my daughter with a vanished daddy at the age of 6. They now have contact after years of silence between them. This traumatic experience of abandonment that my daughter experienced and my own breaking open was what again accelerated my spiritual ascension and healing. It pushed me to seek help, to ask for help and once I asked oh boy did I receive. I remember my first GP appointment with a lovely Canadian doctor who I told briefly what was going on, her empathy was a beacon of light to me. She gave me phone numbers of support lines, friendly ears. She recommended a counselling service in Bristol specifically for rape victims - the Bridge and she took swabs to check for STI’s without shaming me, with that professional supportive kindness. I was ready to feel supported, a tiny bit anyway. And this is important to highlight, I was ready and no one outside yourself can push that.
On the 8th of February 2016, was the first day I said ‘stop’ to the madness of this toxic relationship. That knowing of it being the end was horrifying to me, there was no way back to him. I could not fix him and this was devastating. Looking back now, this was the beginning of a purifying ‘dark night of the soul’ that went on for a couple years. The emergence of my buried soul, buried by darkness. She had had enough of this crap and wanted the truth and wanted love ultimately.
This part is wonderful and profound - I love it. My journey back to myself and therefore my journey back to the Universe, to Oneness and heaven on Earth. I already had an Angel with me, my daughter. This Angel helped purify me with her powerful rage which is a new way of seeing Angels right! Through needing to change my parenting I inadvertently began giving myself many opportunities for counsel through ‘hand in hand’ parenting, a method founded by Patty Wipfler.
And I come to the relationship that truly lead me toward the light. My single parenting is the hardest path of all because I couldn’t get angry at her, she was just a little innocent child. Where as her father was a “monster” so I could push him away - I now hold him in my heart also after layers of anger and indifference. To me there are truly no monsters, they are serving a purpose which is utterly horrifying yes but their soul is buried also, so they become a vessel of evil doings.
Parenting for me pushed me to my limit on a regular basis and when you are the single parent this is 24/7, there is no switch off button, no escape and its relentless This was the making of me and no degree or job could ever compare to the vast amounts of presence and emotional intelligence it took and takes still to parent my daughter. Through every pain, every perceived failure and celebration I am like a tree - rooted in every experience she has. Which is bloody exhausting to say the least but massively growth triggering, grow or be beaten down. So I grew and grew and grew. And every time I grew she grew also so then I had to keep growing.
I felt pretty good and ready to start dating other men. I wanted to “find love”, I remember a key moment saying to my counsellor I want someone I do not have to fix, someone like me. I thought well if I exist then there must be a man like me out there. I did not realise that at that time I was drawing closer the man I had been searching for my whole life unconsciously. As two magnets slowly draw each other closer and closer.
I discovered “Family constellations” which is an energy based therapeutic practise that happens within a group of people with a facilitator holding the space. It was through this work that I met what is known as a “Twin Flame”. I did not know any of this at the time, I believed I had found “the one”. But this man who was beyond any dream of a man I could ever have imagined, more beautiful and spectacular than any being I had ever encountered. This man was so overwhelmingly perfect to me in every way possible that I completely swamped him with all my efforts to win him over. And although on some deep level I knew he loved me in exactly the same way I felt him pulling away just like all the other men in my life. The action of him slowly pulling away triggered the release of all my inner wounds, to be opened and felt at long last. I was again being broke open and forced to go deeper. A love beyond any of my comprehension began to unfold within every cell of my body and within every star in the sky, a Universal love, a love that's for everyone.
It was through the pulling away of men that ultimately pushed me to find my own soul. I wanted men to fix me, I wanted them to give me power but how then would I be powerful if it was given to me. I had to take it for myself, I had to carve a space in me to receive unconditional love and power. This well of love was always within me, within my DNA, the codes of self love awaiting my attention.
“The one” I had been searching for my whole life and all the other multitudes of lifetimes I have been on this planet was not him.
The one I had been searching for was me. The binding of my self back from where my soul was born - from Goddess, Source, Light, the source of everything and on this journey of healing of everything in between for me, the collective, my ancestry and everyone on my path.
My twin flame simply was a reflection of my Divine self. And meeting him was and still is the spiritual awakening path I am on. He is everything, just as I am everything and the Universe is everything - the separation is over. Duality is over. This is a roller coaster ride, up and down but we are all going up, evolution is inevitable.
From the pulling away of him I could finally become the person I was destined to be. And I did it myself. Every aspect of my life had to be upgraded, be cleansed. I sold my house, moved from Bristol to Frome and changed my career to follow my Divine calling.